All about GOD and how to find him!

Why am I only nice to you when I heard that you are having a bad time? Why do I only care when I get something out of it? There are no answers just actions. Actions that get me far beyond my plain lazy being Mrs. spoiled brat. Being the victim of my dream. It really depends on me and my honest extension of myself no matter what the situation may be. The only answer there is is love. And I pretend I don’t care, pretend that you are not even there. So I can stay in my save zone. God, I am dying, but I am save in my little box. Why? Just to keep my Ego- Identity in place. So don’t rock my boat, it’s so comfortable, I am in pain but it is so comfortable. Do you remember that thinking?…That is over now…
Now is the time to forgive and get out of here. So I forgive you, and I am truly sorry for not caring, for not being a true friend. For choosing comfort over action. For being so self involved that I literally didn’t see you. That I just wanted you to recognize me, but did not care to give anything myself.
I am sorry. And now I am going out without knowing. Are you coming?

It’s one of these days, where I prayed for peace the moment I woke up and all that has been happening to me is the opposite. Does God have a good sense of humor, or do I have no clue what’s going on? The good thing that I experienced today was, that I let myself be exactly the way I was, I felt bad and that’s just how it was. I think I have never gotten so many hugs. When I think back now I start to smile, out of nowhere people come just hugging me today. That’s so incredible. All those other days when I think I have it together, I am actually defending myself from love. I don’t have it together and I never will. But I will go out without knowing. With the trust that I am taken care of.

As I was reading through a 12 step book one line jumped out at me. It talked about one of 12 Step Promises.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. The author says that the fear might not be gone all together, but the less she thinks she needs to impress people the less afraid she is.
So the whole day I had that phrase in my mind, I don’t need to impress you! I don’t need to impress you!
Only then did I realize that often my motivation was to impress someone.
I have to recognize the problem so it can be solved.
The moment when I realized I wanted to impress everyone this huge pressure fell from me. Oh my God, I had no idea. Or maybe I did in the back of my mind, but it was not conscious so I counld’nt change it.
I feel completely happy and free. That same day I was at a party, and I never experienced myself so relaxed and at easy around. I don’t need to impress you! - a statement of freedom and joy. It really works if I work it.
I love it!!!!!!!!!

As I am approaching making amends my sponsor gave me this prayer, that works every time in the most miraculous way.
The 5 rights prayer:
I pray for
the right time
the right place
the right attitude on my part
the right receptivity on the other part
and the right outcome for everyone involved
Amen.
Thank you!

No, not everything is always perfect, but I gotta start to be grateful somewhere, sometimes for something. I always want everything perfect so I can be happy. Happiness is not a result. The Course in Miracles does not teach me results. It does not teach me before and after. Or a process with which I can achieve my happiness.
A Course in Miracles gives me a release from everything here and now.

Like the lesson for today: “Nothing I see means anything”. It has nothing to do with anything that I think, it takes me out of any thought process that I am in, and catapults me into this moment, it’s irresistible. That’s why I love it so much.

I wanna talk about fear today. Fear is a force that seems to run peoples life’s, making them sick and leading them nowhere. Fear is the main emotion a human being experiences all the time. I know because I experience it, not knowing that I could have a different feeling about myself. Fear was such a part of my life that I did not even notice how strong it was. I knew I was afraid of absolutely everything and everyone, but had no means to change it. I saw that some of my friends just changed themselves and adjusted around that feeling of fear, incorporating it into their lives. I could never do that. I could not adjust to it. Through the application of the mind training of A Course in Miracles and the 12 Steps, I lost my fear. This makes me cry. Just the thought alone that I don’t have to be afraid of you anymore makes me so happy. I can shine my light and love in your presents without having to hide it in my ideas of what I am, or better what I am not. I can just be myself. And that is an offer for you to get over your fear and just be who you are. What have you got to loose? Fear is just pure laziness. Fear is just a misinterpreted emotion, nothing more. There is absolutely nothing to fear in all of the universe.

The only thing that will every make you happy is a full commitment to something. Happiness is what commitment is. I am committed to my happiness. It’s like what I want I get. It’s the idea of cause and effect. What a human being forgets it, that God is it’s cause and not the world. The body makes us believe that this world created us and therefore are we it’s effect and the world is our cause. So we have responsibilities to the world. We owe the world. We get caught up in that game. God is our cause and we are his effect. We did not create ourselves. The commitment to God is the commitment to the believe in your true cause. Gods will for us is perfect Happiness. So my commitment to God is my commitment to my happiness.

I can never tell if I am awake or if I fell asleep again. In the bible it said that Adam feel asleep but nowhere does it say that he woke up. Yes, this is a dream we agreed to that already and had a clear experience of the none reality of this place. This is the beginning of my awakening. But in that journey of my awakening I can never really tell where I am. Where am I in the process of waking up. And all of a sudden I get really happy. I have been trying to wake up for far to long. Have been trying so hard, doing everything that I think is required of me. When in truth I don’t even know what I need to do. All I know is that I don’t have to try so hard . It’s let go and let GOD right? I seem to forget that.
And that is what falling asleep is, just forgetting that I am not in charge. Forgetting that I do have a choice and are able to leave space and time in an instant of letting go. That I am not bound by any laws of man. That I am free, the Holy Son of God himself.

It doesn’t matter where I open A Course in Miracles, it always takes my out of my situation and places me beyond the beyond. Above the battlefield where I look at my problem in a sober way and can heal it without solving it. I just see that from out of time all my problems have already been solved. Or I realize that there is absolutely no solution to my problem and I die into my problem and end up at the same point, the point of release and ressurection.
Oh my God I am so grateful for A Course in Miracles and the solution it offers me in every moment where I am willing to give up my own ideas about everything and step into the miracles that this moment is actually offering me. It’s truly an experience and has nothing to do with any concepts.
Just today a friend was instant messeging me. He wrote paragraphs and paragraphs of course concepts. All I replied was: "It seems that you are in a lot of conflict". Wow, after a moment he said, yes, it seems that in the illusion I am in conflict. What a bullshitter! Oh man, why is it so hard for spiritual people to just admit where they find themselves.
A Lesson in A Course in Miracles says: "Let me recognize the problem so it can be solves."
So I told my friend to just admit that he is in conflict and stay there. I invited him to die into it. That is where all the light is. All the light of the universe is hidden in the energy of conflict. And that is what we are trying to avoid. And using spiritual concepts to talk yourself out of your full blown spiritual awakening is the best way to stay trapped in your human mind forever. So now I invite you to be honest, admit your conflict, stay in it and let it change through doing absolutely nothing.
Welcome home!

Today is cleaning day, like everyday, I am taking the trash out! - The trash of my mind. Like dust it accumulates so fast, and I don’t really know where it comes from and suddenly a trigger is pulled and I get pissed and I don’t even know why. That is why it is so important for me to do the mind training of A Course In Miracles every waking hour. What does that have to do with trash? Because through applying the ideas given me from the course I have to let go of every single thought that I hold about myself, and about everything else. To be free and in peace. Flash the toilet of your mind and let go of all that has been bothering you, forgiveness is another word for letting go all those silly ideas that keep me trapped and make my life miserable. Yeah it is just time to wake up and realize that all of my ideas are completely wrong, that they don’t mean anything and that I am still as God created me. That I can make my life so much easier by letting go and letting God. So flush that toilet, dust those corners of your mind and take the trash out, it’s about time for you to be free.