It’s never about the substance

What I am always reminded of in this process of recovery is that it is never about the substance that I seem to be addicted to. It’s about fear or avoidance of a situations that I face in my life.
The funny thing is that I have this realization about every few month. Then I ran out of the house of my sponsor completely happy, skipping a long to my house, smiling, and saying to myself: “It’s not about the food I eat. It’s not about the food.”  It’s about honesty. About sharing my fears, loneliness, pain and guilt that I think that I am in. I get cought up in my mind and blame it on substances or people out there, just so I don’t have to take responsibility, and so I don’t have to face this black hole of fear by myself. But when I face it and express it, it is gone in an instant. That is the trippy thing. So I am actually always just addicted to seperation. The moment I join with someone, my fear goes away and I don’t have to sedate myself anymore. I am writing this for myself, so that the times when I forget that it is not about you or a substance get shorter and shorter. And finally disapear in an instant of communication with God.

Fear

I wanna talk about fear today. Fear is a force that seems to run peoples life’s, making them sick and leading them nowhere. Fear is the main emotion a human being experiences all the time. I know because I experience it, not knowing that I could have a different feeling about myself. Fear was such a part of my life that I did not even notice how strong it was. I knew I was afraid of absolutely everything and everyone, but had no means to change it. I saw that some of my friends just changed themselves and adjusted around that feeling of fear, incorporating it into their lives. I could never do that. I could not adjust to it. Through the application of the mind training of A Course in Miracles and the 12 Steps, I lost my fear. This makes me cry. Just the thought alone that I don’t have to be afraid of you anymore makes me so happy. I can shine my light and love in your presents without having to hide it in my ideas of what I am, or better what I am not. I can just be myself. And that is an offer for you to get over your fear and just be who you are. What have you got to loose? Fear is just pure laziness. Fear is just a misinterpreted emotion, nothing more. There is absolutely nothing to fear in all of the universe.

The 12 Step and A Course In Miracle

Virtual Reality
The 12 Steps and A Course In Miracles is truly a blessing for me. It takes me always to the point where I don’t want to go. It takes me to the point of release and to the point where I let go of my resistance to reality. Every grievance, expectation, reaction is ulimately a resistance against reality. And forgiveness is not resisting reality.
But these programs take me so much further. It offers me the complete freedom of my mind. The first promise of the 12 step is: We will know a new freedom and a new happiness. When I first read it – my sponsor made me read the promises everyday – I could not believe it. Then one day after reading them for a while, I realized that all of the promises had become true for me. But I had no idea how it had happened. This happens through the grace of God.
One day at a time.